I’m Alive

My last blog post was different from some of my others in that I let myself be extremely unguarded and personal, more so than any other post I think.

I’ve been going through a rough patch. A very rough patch.

I’d rather not disclose all the details as to what happened, or why I’ve been living in the dark (and not just in the blogging sense) but I’m ready to give a simple overview.

In March I got some really bad news that more than scarred me, it nearly killed me.

I’ve been going through a really bad depression ever since, especially after school ended and I had to come home and leave my friends. I was without any direction or purpose or the support from friends whose presence I’d come to rely on so much. I got much worse.

I’m finally starting to heal, I think.

At least, I’m able to function better then I have in weeks.

I’m trying to piece myself back together slowly because I’ve seen what’s happened when I try to do it to fast.

I haven’t yet decided whether this blog will be in the picture much longer.

It served its purpose in my life, and I think I need a new place for a new, wiser, and more aged me.

We shall see what happens.

I’m still healing, and I have a long way to go, but I’m hopeful I can move on from here.

Thank you for the prayers that were offered after my last post.

 

hi

humans break.

they can be perfectly sound physically, no bone fractures, no tears.

yet

they’re shattered.

I’m shattered.

broken.

I am a grain of dust

a small crack of what I was.

and I don’t know how to fix it.

I don’t know what id did to deserve this

I don’t know what went wrong.

I can’t say id did everything right

it’s an excuse.

it’s me trying to believe it wasn’t my fault.

but it was.

it’s only my fault.

so why should I fight?

why should I demand something I lost any right to?

i can’t

i can’t go on

but i can’t look back

i shouldn’t

but what am i looking forward to?

nothing

oblivion

a dark abyss

i don’t even see any road signs at this point.

I’m done.

all i want is to be happy again.

I’ve forgotten how to be happy.

I’m not sure if I’ll ever remember.

 

Au Contraire

sunshine awardOtherwise known as “I’m only replying to this nomination because Erin said I wouldn’t”

Ha!

Anyway, got the sunshine award. Again. Or some kind of double award hybrid… *shrugs*

Thanks a lot Erin.

  1. I’m in college and don’t have time for blogging awards
  2. I’m not a naturally neat person anymore. I actually have to work for it.
  3. I despise calculus
  4. I love English (which is surprising since I hated it in High School… curious…)
  5. Five is my favorite number
  6. I steal my best friends’ hats/covers. Beware.
  7. I own over 400 books. That’s me, not my family. My own personal library.
  8. I apparently walk a lot in college.
  9. I am very VERY competitive.
  10. My hair was short, but I’ve decided to grow it out a bit.
  11. My handwriting is atrocious.
  12. I finally know someone who has worse handwriting than me. ūüėõ
  13. I’ve soloed in a plane. That’s right, flew it by myself.
  14. I’ve now finished this award.

No nominees, but feel free to nominate yourself if you want!

 

Attempting to Prevent Stupidity from Overuling my Common Sense.

I’ll be honest, I’m feeling left out.

Everyone I know, for the most part, is getting all psyched up for NaNoWriMo.

Everyone, but me.

I’m a prep, on scholarship, and sponsored, meaning my grades are beyond important. If I get one D in the year my scholarship money goes away, and even a C is risking it.

So there is absolutely no possible way I can do NaNo this year.

*cough* unless I wake up at 1AM on Nov 1st and do something stupid *cough*

However, I’ll be here (when I can spare the time) for moral/mental support.

I can’t wait to hear of everyone’s NaNo adventures this year! Because I am absolutely NOT going to wake up at 1 AM on Nov 1st and do something stupid!

Right, Common Sense?

*sound of distant laughter*

Catch Up!

hey guys! Good grief, it’s been ages since I’ve had time to sit and write out a blog post.

Hoorah for labor day!

Right so since it’s been about 5 weeks since I’ve given you an update on what in my life is going on, I’ll try and squeeze over¬† a month of crazy wonder into a few coherent paragraphs.

I showed up in new Mexico when the temperature was about 100-102* F¬†(I don’t carry a thermometer around with me, so I can’t say for certain). It was beautiful. The sky was the bluest blue I’d ever seen, the Commandant came to pick me and about 6 other preps from the airport and take us to the campus.

I stepped out of the van and thought I’d walked into Redwall. All the buildings are built in military gothic style (true style. I learned that at 1st squadron cook out form the superintendent) which basically means pretty castle.

If any of you have seen the animated series Redwall, it looks just like Redwall Abby.

After being completely blown away by the architecture, I got to lug all my luggage up two flights of stairs to my dorm room. Dorm was slightly less impressive, but it’s got a sink and the shower rooms are two doors down. Yes, I have to go outside and walk down the stoop to go to the bathroom or shower. Doesn’t suck yet, but come winter… we’ll see…

It took days for my roommate to get here, and for a while I wondered if I was getting a roommate. This is almost a requirement here because to make the bed properly (military school. Bed making is a must. No wrinkles) you have to take the mattress off the bed, which is on a bunk above the desk. requires two people. And besides, what’s a college experience without a roommate?!

Anyway, got a roommate, she’s awesome, and is prepping for the merchant marine academy (hmm… wonder if she’ll meet Liam there… probably someone here will, there are like 25 preps for MMA).

That was almost two months ago.

I’m into my fourth week of school, just 5 weeks ago from the first grading period.

I’m anxious to keep and/or improve my grades before then.

My two favorite classes are Military History and Chemistry. I looovvveee chemistry. My teacher for chem is considered pretty strict, but she is so passionate about chemistry and teaching us students you can’t help but love her and her classes.

Military history is taught by a retired Air Force officer who used to teach at the Air Force academy. He has no trouble going on and on and on about history, any history. If lunch wasn’t right after his class, I’d have no problem with it being two hours long rather then 1. Actually, he usually goes over by about 20 minutes or so, but I really don’t care, the subject matter is usually so intriguing.

Besides that I have, of course, English (English teacher is one of my favorite teachers. She’s new here, and ridiculously nice), military science, prep orientation (class for service academy preps), chem lab (same teacher as gen chem), and pre calc.

I have plenty of work to keep me busy. And things that aren’t quite work… I’m continuing with Civil Air Patrol, for one thing, and am Deputy commander for the very small very new squadron here. We basically have very little idea what we’re doing because almost all the staff are preps who just got here.

I’m also doing chapel choir.

Besides that, there is the corps of cadets which once I turn a private I can start applying for leadership positions within that as well. Dream job, first Sergeant or Platoon leader. Or platoon sergeant…

Yeah, maybe I’m crazy for trying to do so much… okay, I am DEFINITLY crazy for trying o do so much, but it is within my nature to go for all or nothing.

I should really learn to tone it down a bit…

So yeah, that’s life. Drill, classes, parade practice, homework… oh, and mandatory football games,

The life of a college freshman…. well, a college freshman at a¬† military school.

Final Note: I apologize for any grammatical errors or inconsistency in this post. All my good English I am bottling up for this essay I have to write in a week.

Loving Life

I’m having a blast. I don’t care if I have to run through the dorms, or walk on the far rightside, or pop to at dinner, I am loving life as a RAT, as a college student, as a prep… I’m loving it all.

I love my classes, I love my teachers, I loved doing the obstacle course on the 21 day ceremony.

I didn’t particularly love going without my phone for 3 weeks, but I survived so that doesn’t matter anymore.

I’ve learned that yes I hate functions, and yes I am actually good at history, and yes I am actually good/enjoy chemistry. Considering I was homeschooled all of grade school¬†and I never did like real labs or big exams each semester this comes as a bit of a relief.

And I do love my teachers. I love class.

I’m loving life.

Except for PT… I don’t think I’ll ever learn to love prep¬†PT…

Goodbye TCWT post 1

“What is the first thing you wrote oof your own free will?”

There are two compositions I did by myself when I was little because I wanted to write something and because i forget which was first you get to hear about both.

One was a retelling of the lion and the mouse that took place on a farm. I think jit was about a horse and a cat, but I honestly don’t recall.

The second was for a PBS story contest. It was inspired by cyberchase and involved me falling into a portal. That is also the first story that I experienced writers block.

Both stories were written when I was in the 6-7 age range.

One week in

Hey guys.

So I have officially been a college student for a week.

Awesome right?

Though my experience may be a little different then normal.. I wear a red hat, high socks, run through the barracks and sound off. I am a service  acadamy prep student at a military college.

But hopefully you all rembered me saying that earlier.

This place is tough, it is different but it is a TON of fun! I like sounding off, I like eating at attention, I like asking permission “refuel”. It’s going to get a lot harder when the other students get here and recruit training really starts, but for now I’m just having fun doing what I’m supposed to.

Hopefully I can keep that attitude through RAT…

Original Poem: A Lover’s Grief

What do you say, what dare may ring

When words mean nothing and everything?

When it feels like each syllable you cast

Will forever last,

And with it you can either catch a brick of gold

Or destroy everything that dear you hold.

What happens when your tongue is tied,

By thoughts and fears of what may come on morning tide?

And what may from the depths of your soul arise

If you do not keep a careful tie

On what you say and what you write

To the one who keeps you up at night.

He entrances you with dreams and hopes beyond belief

But may toss away your heart like an old autumn leaf.

What do you say to the one you love

When it seems that no help comes from heaven above?

When you’ve hardly met but already feel

A connection so surreal.

You can’t help but fall down and pray

“Good Lord, help me through this day!”

As you lose all feeling in your knees,

As you weakly whimper, “please.”

What strange emotion takes control

As you feel yourself slipping down into a darkened hole?

Worries, doubts, fears galore

Force themselves into your open door.

You can not help but worry that with each word you write

You may send him off in a fright.

This one you love with all your heart,

Comes as both sweet and tart.

Oh how the poets and people say,

If he loves you truly he won’t run away.

So much sense they seem to demonstrate,

But your in love and so no sense can penetrate

The solid wall of feelings that hide,

The old and dusty meditative state of mind.

So you muddle on alone

Through this world that seems of stone.

You can not know what words ring true

That he is not in fact hiding from you.

His silence may not be the fault of a word,

But of some story¬†you’ve not yet heard.

But any assurance that I can give

Will be only for a second lived.

No words of relief will ever fill

The hole that comes from a silent quill.

Patience is a virtue who’s greatest strain

Comes from the silent lover’s pain.

*****************

Wrote this¬†ridiculously¬†late at night. It’s been a while since I’ve done a poem with an actual rhyming pattern to it, so I may be a bit rusty.

Like it? Love it? Stick to prose? Let me know in the comments below!